The same woman takes my ticket each day as I drive out of the Erlanger hospital garage. I think she's about 55; she wears her hair in cornrows and has a little mole just above her smile. We've developed a wary little relationship over the last few months: I ask her how she's doing, she says something barely audible, and I say, "Oh, good." Once she asked me if I was a hunter. No, I explained, I just wear a lot of earth tones.
So on Monday, I was handing her my ticket and waiting for her to push the mysterious buttons that lift the gate, when she gave me a look of concern. "You okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine," I said. "Why?"
"You don't look as happy as you used to."
"Well," I said, a little startled, "I'm pretty tired today."
"No," she said, unsatisfied with my diagnosis. "You don't look as happy as you did when I met you. You seem sadder."
I wasn't really sure how to reply to this. So I thanked her, drove out of the garage, and lit a cigarette. I wondered if I was really, deep down, sadder than I used to be, and decided that I didn't know. There was a spring breeze blowing into the van window, and it started to rain.
Posted by mesh at March 3, 2004 12:14 PM | TrackBackperhaps you have spent too much time reading walker percy.
Posted by: em at March 3, 2004 01:22 PMThe Passion has us all down. Maybe if we never saw that movie about our savior, we'd be a little more celebratory about him.
Posted by: Tommy at March 3, 2004 02:34 PMAaron, I have spent some time thinking about this myself. Do you remember when you first met me? I was happier. Since then I have experience sadness on very deep levels. I think as life wears on me and wears me down, I have developed a deeper picture of myself, Jesus, and my friends. I now have more depth and there is less room and time for surface happiness. But in learning more about life, I have found joy-- which is better than happy. Do this make sense?
Posted by: charity at March 3, 2004 04:34 PMperhaps you have spent too much time listening to percy mayfield.
Thanks, Ron. I was hoping someone might catch that.
Posted by: mesh at March 4, 2004 12:04 PMCharity, that just about sums up how I'm feeling, although I might substitute "peace" for "joy." I want to talk to you about this in person, but suffice it to say that I'm coming to the realization that maturation is a series of trade-offs, and for every emotion/part of yourself you lose, you gain another that may be subtler but no less worthwhile. But I don't know how to talk about this without sounding like some angsty eighth-grade poet.
Posted by: mesh at March 4, 2004 12:11 PMSpring, as much as I love it, always makes me peevish. I think it's the unsettling time of year, as opposed to the settling down of autumn.
Posted by: Jeannette at March 4, 2004 01:54 PMI think you'd be less sad and much happier if you would finish XXXXXXX!!! of which I promised I would not mention anymore. I know I'd be much happier, less sad and thrilled not to mention peaceful and joyful.
Although I know you're trying not to mention my college cross-cultural paper, Mom, your manner of self-editing may lead many people to the mistaken impression that I am procrastinating in finishing my first porno film.
Posted by: mesh at March 5, 2004 10:03 AMThat would certainly make me more sad and less happy. I think I'll not verbally spar with you. I will defintely lose. However, next time you're home I'll just hide, patiently wait for you to stroll nearby and scare the wind out of you. :-)
Posted by: BMesh at March 5, 2004 12:34 PMOh crap. I always hated that.
Posted by: mesh at March 5, 2004 12:50 PMwow. i really feel you charity and mesh.
you both articulated it perfectly.
i always think that something went wrong somewhere
because i used to be much happier too. but it's nice to know that others feel the same way. i've started to see it as growing deeper too, and that's good.
another thing which i've found that adds to depression is transition. i feel like i've been in transition for the last few years. perhaps you'll feel better after you graduate mesh. i know i will.
let me play the cynic:
mebbe its not a deeper happiness, mebbe its not "joy", maybe we just, simply aren't as happy as we used to be.
Spade a spade and all that.
JosiahQ == hungry 'cause he missed lunch, which makes him not happy
Posted by: JosiahQ at March 5, 2004 03:58 PMwhat's wrong with not being as happy this year as last? and who is to say next year wont be better? we just came through some crappy unhappy stuff, but there is peace now. joy too, and the horizon is brighter.
and cynicism sucks. worse habit than smoking ;-)
Posted by: bobw at March 5, 2004 04:17 PMyou're right josiah but
i guess it's just harder for an optimistic, idealist like myself, to deal with the prospect of not being as happy as i once was.
i'm realizing i have been naive about life and it's disapointments.
"In America" gave me some things to think about concerning this. jeff and I were talking about the kids in that movie and saying how we wished we would have had some crap to deal with in our own childhood like they did. it's a good feeling to have had a relatively unscathed childhood, but then, i think it would have been nice to face some of the harsher realities of life sooner than i have. those who have grown up with major disappointmenst seem to be more well-adjusted and less concerned with being happy.