The primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire have concluded, and the Democratic party has reached no firm conclusions except to get the hell out of New Hampshire, because it's freezing up there. If you are a Democrat, you are probably asking yourself a lot of questions about the remaining candidates. Who is the most honest? Who has the best chance of beating Bush? Who can fix the economy? Who has meaningful foreign policy experience? Who has been endorsed by Patch Adams?
Well, stop your worrying. I've been thinking very hard about this for a few days, and I have come up with a foolproof theorem for determining the candidate you should vote for. I have simply examined the candidates' physical appearances and personas, and matched them to the dogs they most resemble.
Yes, dogs. Man's best friends. The creatures that bring out our hidden feelings and strongest loyalties. As soon as you see which dog a candidate resembles, my Democratic friend, you will know if that man deserves your vote. And if by some slim chance you are still undecided, I have made the choice even simpler: I have, alongside the links to each of these dogs, added the American Kennel Club description of the animal -- with the candidate's name inserted at the appropriate junctures.
No, you don't have to thank me. This is what I do.
Gen. Wesley Clark's size makes it a wonderful candidate for people who live in small city apartments. The breed is very hardy and adaptable, but it must live inside a home or an apartment; Gen. Wesley Clark should not live outside. Generals are good travelers and can easily go anywhere with their owners.
Howard Dean makes a loyal and wonderful companion, but requires time and training. Dean is a basically calm, confident, and courageous candidate with a self-assured aloofness. Howard Dean is a powerful candidate with an inherent desire to protect home and family. Dean's strong will to work make it an especially good companion candidate. The behavior of Dean in the show ring should be controlled, willing and adaptable, trained to submit to examination of mouth, testicles, etc. An aloof or reserved Howard Dean should not be penalized, as this reflects the accepted character of the breed. An aggressive or belligerent attitude towards other candidates should not be faulted.
John Edwards was developed in the early 19th century to toll, lure, and retrieve waterfowl. The playful action of Edwards retrieving a stick or ball along the shoreline arouses the curiosity of the ducks offshore. They are lured within gunshot range, and the candidate is sent out to retrieve the dead or wounded birds. This medium sized, powerful, compact, balanced candidate is the smallest of the retrievers. Edwards' attitude and bearing suggest strength with a high degree of agility. He is alert, determined, and quick, with a keen desire to work and please. Many John Edwardses have a slightly sad or worried expression when they are not working. The moment the slightest indication is given that retrieving is required, they set themselves for springy action with an expression of intense concentration and excitement. The heavily feathered tail is held high in constant motion while working.
John Kerry is even-tempered, affectionate, loyal, and friendly, and makes an excellent family pet. John Kerrys are very neat candidates who clean themselves much like cats. John Kerrys require a great deal of exercise and should only be allowed off leash in a fenced in area. They are very agile candidates, able to jump great heights from a standstill. It is recommended that John Kerry owners have fences at least 6' in height.
A sensitive and intelligent candidate whose only purpose is to serve man as a companion. Responsive and affectionate with those it knows and loves but reserved with strangers or in new situations. Dennis Kucinich is sensitive, though, with definite likes and dislikes, but rarely, if ever, does he forget friend or foe.
Joe Lieberman is a natural hunter and should never be allowed to roam without supervision. Joe Liebermans traditionally hunted in packs, which required a comradely attitude towards other candidates. Joe Lieberman is laid back, sociable, and affectionate. It is a great candidate for children and adults of all ages. When there is nothing better to do, Joes sleep, and are not destructive when left alone. They turn on to food, but not necessarily to exercise. In temperament Joe is mild, never sharp or timid. He is capable of great endurance in the field and is extreme in his devotion.
The character and temperament of the Rev. Al Sharpton is of utmost importance. The Rev. Al Sharpton is a calm, confident, and courageous candidate with a self-assurance which sometimes is rather aloof toward strangers. Al Sharptons are highly intelligent, extremely reliable. They were bred to guard and protect. The behavior in the show ring should be controlled, willing, adaptable, and trained to submit to examination. The only acceptable colors for the Rev. Al Sharpton is black, or black with a few gray hairs. Any other color is to be considered a disqualification.
Posted by mesh at January 29, 2004 12:51 PM | TrackBackNo, I do have to thank you because that was absolutely hillarious.
Posted by: Christin at January 29, 2004 01:08 PMBrilliant. Genius. Hilarious.
Posted by: JosiahQ at January 29, 2004 07:20 PM"...trained to submit to examination of mouth, testicles, etc."
I laughed so hard my face hurts.
Posted by: ron at January 30, 2004 01:01 PMExcellent, I think that we are going to get a John Kerry for our family pet. Of course I do want a candidate that can stand public examination. Damn the choices!!!
Posted by: ARoss at February 2, 2004 06:13 PM