September 11, 2003
The Vlasic Conspiracy
Seven empty Krystal burger boxes have joined a 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best as my official rooftop porch decorations. (I really need to buy trash bags for the new apartment today.) Having consumed said processed meat products last night on a somewhat intoxicated whim, I have come to a tremendous discovery concerning pickles.
When you eat your average fast-food hamburger -- say, a Big Mac -- your tastebuds barely register the pickles. If you are in an absent frame of mind, you might not even notice that your sandwich has pickles at all. But when you bite into a Krystal, the pickle is a nexus of tart goodness, the exploding vinegar heart hidden within a body of soggy mediocrity. It's all about context, really.
Thus I have come to believe that the Krystal company is secretly bankrolled by an amalgam of shadowy figures in the pickle production industry. Forget Halliburton, my friends: this is the corporate cabal we must fear.* You heard it here first.
*I also recommend that we fear whatever dark force assures that all mall food court stands, whether their puported cuisine be Chinese or Cajun, serve the same "bourbon chicken." I suspect that all these food courts are controlled by one corpulent man in a back room in Reno, Nevada, who takes swigs from a jar of Georgia Moon Corn and has a laugh like Sydney Greenstreet.
Posted by mesh at September 11, 2003 09:21 AM | TrackBack
You're dead on with the Chinese/Cajun food court stands. I was in a mall once and the same family was working both stands, walking back and forth between them. My initial guess is that Manchu Wok is behind it all, but no Chinese food court place is as good as they are. And by "good" I mean "makes you sick but then you want to eat it again 4 hours later."
The only other place I notice the pickle is Chick-Fil-A. Strange considering they are definitely on a higher plane of fast-food existence than Krystal.
Posted by: John at September 11, 2003 09:45 AMI looooooove the pickles........
Posted by: gosey at September 11, 2003 11:03 AMHere in Gainesville there is a Chinese family that has three stalls next to each other in the food court. One is billed as Chinese, the next as Cajun and the last as American... and they ALL sell that bourbon chicken.
Closer to home we have a more standard scenario similar to what you mentioned, but after doing some undercover people watching (meaning I just sat around in the food court) I noticed there was this skinny Asian man in his late forties who wears a cheap suit always hanging around. After noticing him multiple times, I began to notice that he would ride the escalator to the top floor and stand at the top looking down at everyone in the food court, then about once every half hour he walks around to each one of the restaurants (minus, the mainstream corporate ones) and has a little talk with whoever is running the place. One time I actually saw him behind the counter dealing with something. The point being I think I've determined the local food court pimp/handler guy for this shadow company you speak of.
Posted by: mkrueger at September 11, 2003 11:23 AMSince my wife is from Lousianna:
I'll give YOU some bourbon chicken.
Now all of you who know me, "hear" me saying that, like, well, I'd say that.
Posted by: JosiahQ at September 11, 2003 11:33 AMGainesville, Georgia? My wife and I lived there for a little over a year so that may be the mall that I'm thinking of...
Posted by: John at September 11, 2003 12:03 PMI love square greasy burgers and I don't care who bankrolls them.
Posted by: Jeep at September 11, 2003 01:48 PM