August 01, 2003
All-Too-Honest Movie Ad: Gigli
Unsurprising confession: I read movie reviews obsessively. In fact, I do a lot more review reading than movie watching, at a rate something near 10-to-1. Perhaps this is sad. Perhaps I need an outdoor job. I don't know. But I do know that I've been wanting to start some regular feature on this page to utilize the useless knowledge I gain from these reviews.
This morning, a joke over on Instapundit finally gave me an idea: All-Too-Honest Movie Ads. You are no doubt quite aware that all television, newspaper and radio advertisments for Hollywood features use sound bites from film "critics" reporting for WBLO in Akron. These blurbs suggest that the movie in question rivals the greatest work of Renior and Tarkovski, but with more hilarious fart jokes that will have the whole family in stitches. It is impossible to make a film that some hack won't find incredible, jaw-dropping and rousing, even if that film is a Wild Thornberrys cartoon. (The New York Times ad for the Thornberrys movie has in fact been lying on my bathroom floor for two weeks now, so I see it every day. It frightens me.)
Something must be done to counter this mendacious trend. So every Friday, I will bring you an advertisment for a major release, complete with short, catchy but all-too-honest (hence the name) quotes from the critics.
We begin with Gigli, that fine Ben and J.Lo lovefest. Man, this was fun to do.
J. LO.'s worst movie since the last one she did!
Posted by: renk at August 1, 2003 04:23 PMThose are absolutely beautiful. Did you say you made those up, or did you lift them from the reviews themselves? Was the movie really that bad? Was it 'It's so bad it's good' or just 'so bad it's bad' bad.
Posted by: scott cunningham at August 1, 2003 07:03 PMWord on the street is that Gigli is the worst movie since Ishtar. But wait a second, I kind of liked Ishtar. Does anybody else out there like Ishtar? Because I think I liked Ishtar. For some reason, it made me laugh and I never understood why it became one of the worst panned movies ever. Now Gigli I can understand. Just look at the poster. But Ishtar? I think Ishtar deserves a second chance.
Posted by: todd at August 2, 2003 10:12 PMI like how in the movie poster Jennifer's butt sticks out. That is cute. I wish Sir Mix-A-Lot could sing about me.
Posted by: Super Krista at August 3, 2003 12:48 AMScott, the reviews are very, very real. I just added the exchaimation points for the proper advertising effect. The impression I get from the reviews is that Gigli is, to quote Ghost World's Enid, "so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again."
Posted by: mesh at August 3, 2003 02:55 PMJ. LO may be cute, but something is definately living in Ben Affleck's hair... it freaks me out every time I see it.
Posted by: mkrueger at August 4, 2003 04:11 PMI think Affleck is one of those celebrities that we, as a nation, will be embarrassed about in a few years. It'll be like when someone mentions Liberace or Pauly Shore: "Why the HELL did we make this guy famous?!"
Posted by: gosey at August 6, 2003 09:34 AMThe comments from the critics are absolutely hilarious. I have to see this film. It has to be pure comedy like all those Slasher flicks.
Posted by: Amar Chamkila at November 7, 2003 01:37 AMhey todd...i liked ishtar too.
a little better editing, and it could have been a contender.
i thought it was an okay movie it made me laugh alot
Posted by: kay kay at September 2, 2005 07:10 PMI LOVE JENNIFER LOPEZ
Posted by: hamed at October 24, 2005 01:00 AM